Archives for August 2017

August 2017

Anecdote 7: What to do if you suspect that your child is using drugs, part three

Introduction

During the last anecdote, we discussed the importance of good relationship with your child and family love, we also discussed the sandwich approach to criticism. We will now turn to an evaluation of the drug use itself.

Evaluate and Act

Casual user: If you suspect that your child is a casual user of drugs AND NOT AN ADDICT, then you may care to do nothing more than express your concerns and set a regular discussion times with your child. These discussion times should be welcomed and not painful for your child. A time during which your child will look forward to talking with you, a time during which you are not judgmental, negative, insulting or punitive. These discussions do not always have to be about drugs. Try to learn from your child as much as you teach your child. Keep in mind that these discussions are not meant to make you feel good about yourself, they are designed for you to learn more about your child.

I have one word of caution for you: The thought that your child is using drugs, especially Heroin, is so painful so terrifying that you may minimize or exaggerate your child’s habit. You need to investigate what your child tells you, but in a way that does not harm your relationship with your child. You may care to pay close attention to your child’s behavior.

If the use of drugs is truly casual, then you may care to invest in reading the book: High Price by Carl Hart (https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/high-price-carl-hart/1114195547?ean=9780062015891). Carl Hart describes drugs and their use in an honest way, where casual use may not be as devastating as we are led to believe by the authorities.

Frequent user: If, on the other hand, you believe that your child is using drugs frequently, as frequently as daily or close to it, then you may consider a different course of action. The rest of our discussion will concentrate on this topic of the frequent user.

A child that is a frequent user of drugs is more than likely an addict, this includes daily use of Marijuana. Addiction is a difficult concept to wrap your head and emotions around and at this point you may feel that your child is not an addict. I ask that you make sure that you are not in denial.

If the concept of “addiction” is revolting, then I ask that you overcome the negative connotations of the word “addiction” and consider the fact that if your child cannot stop the behavior that hurts her/his life then discussing if it is addition or not is a moot point.

For alcoholism, there are tests that will allow one to better evaluate the likelihood of one being an alcoholic. For example, https://www.verywell.com/could-you-have-an-alcohol-abuse-problem-3894213 is such a test. A good starting point is to evaluate, for yourself, as if the questionnaire was about Heroin, or your child’s drug of choice and take the test for your child. (Unfortunately, the test does not provide the arithmetic to reveal the likelihood of alcoholism based on the questionnaire.)

Next anecdote: we will delve into the symptoms of the frequent user.

Previous: Part two Next: Part four

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny

August 2017

Anecdote 6: What to do if you suspect that your child is using drugs, part two

Previous: Part one Next: Part three

Introduction

Last time we identified the fact that one cannot think about the problem of addiction when one is in a shock or panic (or an emotion that leads one to similar behavior) then we introduced the concept of Directed Free Association and the Master Mind Alliance as action points. When one is alone with one’s own thoughts one is often capable in “seeing” things more clearly without the interference of one’s emotions and ego.

Good relationship

I believe that your goal hereon is to keep your relationship with your child intact and constantly work toward improving it. Ruining your relationship with your child may lead your child to more drug use and abuse. I believe that one of the most drug-deterrent factors, for your child’s drug use, is good parent-child relationship. A relationship where you establish a safe and trustful connection, allowing your child to approach you, especially in times of need. A relationship where your child does not fear retribution, criticism or fear that you will be disappointed and think less of her/him. A relationship where your child knows that you are a helper, a supporter and are willing to understand her/him rather than being a punisher, a judge or be full of shame.

Family love and stability are also very important as deterrents to drug use. For more information see: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3799532/.

Criticism: If you must criticize your child and you believe that the criticism would help your child, then do it privately and use the sandwich approach. My advice is that you never, ever complain or criticize your child to anyone else, especially someone who can help neither you nor your child.

Be careful not to allow criticism to be a form of a relief valve for your negative emotions. If you criticize your child as a form of punishment, or just hope that criticism or a stinging remark will alter your child’s behavior, then keep in mind that this method is ineffective. More importantly, what you tell your child often is a powerful message that your child will accept subconsciously. For more information about the path into the subconscious mind, see the book: What to Say when You Talk to Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter (https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-to-say-when-you-talk-to-your-self-shad-helmstetter/1102183465?ean=9780722525111).

Sandwich approach: If you must criticize, then sandwich your criticism between two positive thoughts about your child. If you have difficulties coming up with two positive thoughts about your child, then use the Directed Free Association and/or the Master Mind Alliance technique to come up with at least two positive attributes about your child. The last positive comment is more important than the first one, so reserve the big positive comment to the end. In general, I recommend that you find a way to communicate with your child without criticism. This, no criticism communication should be extended to any conversation in which your child is mentioned.

I would like to leave you with the thought that if you have trouble coming up with two positive thoughts about your child, if you cannot establish a trustful relationship with your child then consider the fact that you may be part of the problem. I advise that you analyze your behavior and expectations of your child. Keep in mind that the most influential factors in driving a person toward using drugs are: Isolation, Hopelessness and Trauma.

For more information about the benefits and suggestions of good relationship with your child see the book: The Blessing by Gary Smalley (https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Gary-Smalley/dp/0671737430/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1500316781&sr=8-2&keywords=The+blessing). The book is written from a very, very Christian religious point of view. If you are not very religious, or you are not a Christian then please ignore the very religious aspects of the book that you disagree with and take only the parts that will benefit you.

Next Anecdote: We will discuss the difference between a heavy user and a casual user of drugs

Previous: Part one Next: Part three

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny

August 2017

Anecdote 5: What to do if you suspect that your child is using drugs, part one

Previous: Marijuana Residue in Pipe Part Four Next: Part two

Introduction

We are starting a new series and as usual we take no responsibility for the actions you take to help your children. The information I share here is true as it relates to us, my wife and I, our experience and the knowledge I amassed since our son, Ben, passed on. With that I expect that you apply the information that I share as it best applies to you and your situation. With that let’s get started.

If you suspect that your child is using drugs, chances are that you are correct. The question is what can you do about it, in a way that makes sense, that is effective and most of all does no further harm to your child.

Put first thing first

Most importantly, if you are in a shock or in a panic, work to calm yourself down or reevaluate your approach. The words “shock” and “panic” may not be the exact description of the emotions or the ensuing behavior. The feeling may be that of dread, consternation, dismay, helplessness, anger and even terror. Where panic, as I see it, is a sudden shock, the realization that your child is using drugs, especially Heroin, may not be panic per se, but the behavior involved as result of that knowledge, mimics that of panic. As such, I know that me advising you to calm yourself down or reevaluate your approach, is way easier said than done, but I feel, that this is a crucial first step.

Panic mode is usually identified by either: Fight, Flight or Shut down. These modes of conduct are something to watch out for when they are habitual. If they occur infrequently then work towards curtailing or eliminating them all together. Obviously, these behavior modes are ineffective and do not produce positive results.

Fight mode: You find yourself in frequent fights with your child, with your spouse, a fight with your other children and/or a fight with others. The reason for these fights is the need to control the situation.
Flight mode: You may be so upset with your child, with your other children, upset with your spouse and/or upset with others to the point that you avoid them.
Shut down: You just don’t know what to do and as such do nothing.

Vindictiveness: Each one of the above modes can be accompanied with vindictiveness. Keep in mind that vindictiveness is a short term emotional relief valve that does not produce positive results.

Quick fix: At times, you may wish that someone will tell you what to do so that your child will stop using drugs. Drug use did not develop overnight and there is no quick fix for stopping your child from using drugs. Be vigilant when someone offers you a quick fix. We are drawn to a quick fix solution because we want the problem gone and for a short period of time the quick fix provides a mental relief, but the quick fix solution can do more harm than good.

Complaining and criticizing: You may find yourself complaining and criticizing your child when you interact with your child and/or criticizing and complaining about your child to anyone who would listen. This is very destructive and produces nothing good, in the long run.

One action you may try to take is “Directed Free Association” at times you may hear it called Solitude, or Meditation. It will take 5 – 10 minutes out of your day and it will allow you to laser focus your thoughts on the problem you are interested in solving. As it turns out when you are alone with your own thoughts your ego and emotions are tucked out away with more ease then when you are talking to others. Alone you can allow yourself to be totally honest with yourself. Directed Free Association is a highly effective method.

How to direct free associate: Find 5 – 10 minutes during your day when you can be totally alone with your own thoughts, a time during which you have no distractions. No other human or pet distractions, no radio, no TV, no music, no work-related distractions nor too dark a place that is conducive to sleep, etc. I, personally, found out, that for myself, such a time is first thing when I awake in the morning. I awake about 30 minutes before anyone else and I spend some of these minutes with a cup of tea and my own thoughts. (It turns out that I always sit in the same spot on the sofa.) During that time, write your thoughts down, preferably in a notebook dedicated for your thoughts. Sit up comfortably (not lay down) with or without a drink, like coffee, tea or water. Your brain is a very efficient factory for thoughts, so allow your brain to free-associate and direct those free-association thoughts toward the problem at hand. You may want to make it a daily habit. For more information about this method see the book: The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz (https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/magic-of-thinking-big-david-j-schwartz/1100319349?ean=9780671646783)

In general, we can handle just so many major ongoing stress problems that occur all at once. Usually having a child who is using drugs is not the only major problem that parents are facing. If we can compartmentalize the problems and think of them one at a time we can juggle more than one major issue. Having a confidant can be a great help and if you have one consider yourself blessed. Napoleon Hill, in his book Think and Grow Rich (http://eventualmillionaire.com/Resources/ThinkandGrowRichebook.pdf) talks about a “Master Mind Alliance”. The Master Mind Alliance is a fictional group of characters that you form to counsel with. Say that you feel, for example, that if you could counsel with Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the United States, then you would ask old Abe how not to give up. Napoleon Hill recommends that you do just that, have a conversation with your own mental creation of Abraham Lincoln and discuss with him the issues that you need to discuss. These discussions can take place anytime and anywhere, potentially you need no more than to lean back in your chair close your eyes and ask your counselling buddy a question. Then you assume the role of the counseling buddy and respond back to yourself. This technique is also very effective a technique where you will allow yourself to question yourself with your ego in check. You are not limited to one counselling buddy you may assemble a whole team to be available to you at your beck and call.

Next Anecdote: We will discuss the benefits of a good relationship

Previous: Marijuana Residue in Pipe Part Four Next: Part two

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny