September 2017

Introduction

During the last anecdote, we discussed symptoms of a frequent user. Let’s turn our attention to understanding of the child’s behavior and actions a parent can take.

Information points and action steps

Your child is in pain: Recognize that your child is in pain and therefore your job is to add no further pain. Getting to the source and cause of pain is the hard part that will require an investment of mental energy and communication with your child. Potentially you will need to seek the help a professional counselor.

Self-defense: Your child developed some self-defense mechanism techniques. Some of the defense mechanisms include hiding her/his behavior and emotions from you. You are trying to break these defense mechanism barriers down. Breaking those barriers down will require creative thinking and deviation from the normal BAU (business as usual).

Addiction is a mental disease: Addiction is classified as a mental disease that is co-morbid with other mental diseases that may have developed due to the addiction itself. You may meet folks who are willing to share their ignorance and even sound intelligent while they lay out an argument as to why addiction is not a disease. Keep in mind that the folks conducting research on addiction, like Nora Volkow, the head of the Drug Abuse Division part of the NIH (National Institute of Health) believes that addiction is a disease and has research to back her opinion up.

Stress leads to more drug use: In general, an addicted person cannot handle stress. Stress will lead an addicted person to more drug use. Drug use, especially opiate use, not only takes away physical pain it also takes away emotional pain. We all learn from our past behavior and create patterns of behavior called paradigms of behavior. So does an opiate user and the pattern of behavior that and opiate user develop is that pain, discomfort and stress can be resolved with another dose of opiates.

Addiction hijacks the self-control mechanism of the brain: Consider the following scenario: an addicted child decides not to use drugs any longer. The child even tells you so and means it; you feel that your child means every word they said and you believe your child. Then your child goes off and uses the drug again. This behavior means nothing more than the fact that the child is addicted and lost her/his self-control. When the child told you that s/he will not use drugs any more, the child meant it and was honest about it. Due to lack of self-control the child could not resist her/himself when the drug was offered to them. Your child’s addicted friends and drug dealer will give your child drugs, free of charge, and exert pressure on your child to use drugs, just to keep the status quo. Friends would like not to lose friends, especially not a good drug-using buddy and a dealer would like not to lose a client.

Recovery, a path out of addiction: Recovery from addiction is a period of about five (5) years. Plan your child’s recovery with that time frame in mind. Preferably long-term rehab is part of the picture.

If your child had attended rehab and now out of rehab, then this is a dangerous time for your child to overdose. Rehab lasts a short period of time during which the drug is, physically, out of your child’s body, but not necessarily out of your child psychological need. Your child may have been dreaming, during rehab’s time, of using their drug of choice. Now after rehab, your child’s tolerance for the drug is not what it was before rehab and hence the danger of overdose. Even leaving your child to find their way home on their own, after rehab, could be a time for purchasing and using their drug. You need also to watch out for your child’s safety, from overdose, during the holidays and especially on your child’s birthday.

Mixing drugs with opiates can be fatal: You may care to educate your child that mixing other drugs with opiates can be fatal. If your child had engaged in use of any drug then during that day your child should refrain from opiates and vice versa, if the child used opiates, then on that day, the child should refrain from using any other drug.

Next Anecdote: We will discuss what actions a parent may take

Previous: Part four Next: Part six

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny

September 2017

Previous: Part three Next: Part five

Introduction

During the last anecdote, we distinguished between the casual user of drugs and a frequent user of drugs. Our discussion continues with the frequent user of drugs. There is little to say about the casual user of drugs except to caution that this casual use does not turn into addiction.

A person under 20+ yoa (years of age) is most vulnerable, to further complication from drug use, because our human brain is not fully developed until our 20+ yoa. To our discussion the Orbital Frontal Cortex, the area in the front of the brain, right above our eyes that is responsible for our self-control is not fully developed until 20+ yoa, the area of the brain responsible for self-control. Addiction disrupts our ability to self-control ourselves. For more information see the video by Nora Volkow who heads the Drug Abuse Division of the NIH (National Institute of Health): https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=nora+volkow%2c+study+of+the+live+brain&&view=detail&mid=71AFD11A366AB2F7244771AFD11A366AB2F72447&FORM=VRDGAR.

We will concentrate on Opiate substance abuse, even though addiction is broader than substance abuse, we know of addiction to food as in a morbid obesity, addiction to gambling, addiction to pornography, etc.

Opiates

Opiates is the substance that our prescription pain killers are based on, like Oxycontin, Oxycodone, Percocet, Vicodin and the first billion dollars drug—Valium. Opiates is the substance that Heroin and Morphine are made of and there are synthetic opiates like Fentanyl. I will use the term “Opiates” to describe all the above substances and there is no need to distinguish between them, they all have the same effect on the body.

Symptoms of a frequent user of drugs

Some of the symptoms of a frequent user of drugs are:

The child changes behavior in a short period of time. By a short period of time, I mean a period that is shorter than a year. So, for example, the child changes friends/best friend, changes interests, like: sports, music, pastime, etc.
The child’s grades drop, all within that short period of time (a year or less).
The child cannot hold down a job for very long.
Small mishaps occur almost daily, like a fender bender, like being late, like having wrong directions to an important meeting, like forgetting an important task, etc. Those mishaps, each one of which, on its own, is meaningless, but considering their frequency as a symptom of an underlying cause, makes them very meaningful. They indicate that the child is constantly distracted and life cannot continue to tick normally. This symptom is telling because folks who are addicted to Opiates, in general, think of the next use of opiates, all the time. (An exception is Methadone, a person can use Methadone, get a high that is similar to that of Heroin but not think about the drug constantly to the point that they cannot hold down a job, or cannot function.)
As the disease of addiction progresses, the child will lie and steal from you habitually. This behavior infuriates parents. Please consider the fact that your child is no longer in control; their self-control is not intact. You, as a parent, is witnessing the effect of a disease. This is not a cause for punishment. I am fully aware that the parent is in an internal conflict and dilemma. You, the parent, is left not knowing what to do, on the one hand you are not supposed to let the child lie and steal without some form of retribution, but on the other hand you are not supposed to punish your sick child for being sick. Use your Directed Free Association and/or Master Mind Alliance to find ways to encourage your child to attend a long-term rehab and NA (Narcotics Anonymous).

These symptoms do not have to occur all at once, so if you find a symptom from the above list that your child does not exhibit, don’t sigh a sigh of relief yet. Moreover, be aware that your child will tend to hide the symptoms that s/he believes are tell tailing about her/his addiction.

Next Anecdote: We will explain some points about addiction and the person using drugs

Previous: Part three Next: Part five

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny

August 2017

Previous: Part two Next: Part four

Introduction

During the last anecdote, we discussed the importance of good relationship with your child and family love, we also discussed the sandwich approach to criticism. We will now turn to an evaluation of the drug use itself.

Evaluate and Act

Casual user: If you suspect that your child is a casual user of drugs AND NOT AN ADDICT, then you may care to do nothing more than express your concerns and set a regular discussion times with your child. These discussion times should be welcomed and not painful for your child. A time during which your child will look forward to talking with you, a time during which you are not judgmental, negative, insulting or punitive. These discussions do not always have to be about drugs. Try to learn from your child as much as you teach your child. Keep in mind that these discussions are not meant to make you feel good about yourself, they are designed for you to learn more about your child.

I have one word of caution for you: The thought that your child is using drugs, especially Heroin, is so painful so terrifying that you may minimize or exaggerate your child’s habit. You need to investigate what your child tells you, but in a way that does not harm your relationship with your child. You may care to pay close attention to your child’s behavior.

If the use of drugs is truly casual, then you may care to invest in reading the book: High Price by Carl Hart (https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/high-price-carl-hart/1114195547?ean=9780062015891). Carl Hart describes drugs and their use in an honest way, where casual use may not be as devastating as we are led to believe by the authorities.

Frequent user: If, on the other hand, you believe that your child is using drugs frequently, as frequently as daily or close to it, then you may consider a different course of action. The rest of our discussion will concentrate on this topic of the frequent user.

A child that is a frequent user of drugs is more than likely an addict, this includes daily use of Marijuana. Addiction is a difficult concept to wrap your head and emotions around and at this point you may feel that your child is not an addict. I ask that you make sure that you are not in denial.

If the concept of “addiction” is revolting, then I ask that you overcome the negative connotations of the word “addiction” and consider the fact that if your child cannot stop the behavior that hurts her/his life then discussing if it is addition or not is a moot point.

For alcoholism, there are tests that will allow one to better evaluate the likelihood of one being an alcoholic. For example, https://www.verywell.com/could-you-have-an-alcohol-abuse-problem-3894213 is such a test. A good starting point is to evaluate, for yourself, as if the questionnaire was about Heroin, or your child’s drug of choice and take the test for your child. (Unfortunately, the test does not provide the arithmetic to reveal the likelihood of alcoholism based on the questionnaire.)

Next anecdote: we will delve into the symptoms of the frequent user.

Previous: Part two Next: Part four

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny

August 2017

Previous: Part one Next: Part three

Introduction

Last time we identified the fact that one cannot think about the problem of addiction when one is in a shock or panic (or an emotion that leads one to similar behavior) then we introduced the concept of Directed Free Association and the Master Mind Alliance as action points. When one is alone with one’s own thoughts one is often capable in “seeing” things more clearly without the interference of one’s emotions and ego.

Good relationship

I believe that your goal hereon is to keep your relationship with your child intact and constantly work toward improving it. Ruining your relationship with your child may lead your child to more drug use and abuse. I believe that one of the most drug-deterrent factors, for your child’s drug use, is good parent-child relationship. A relationship where you establish a safe and trustful connection, allowing your child to approach you, especially in times of need. A relationship where your child does not fear retribution, criticism or fear that you will be disappointed and think less of her/him. A relationship where your child knows that you are a helper, a supporter and are willing to understand her/him rather than being a punisher, a judge or be full of shame.

Family love and stability are also very important as deterrents to drug use. For more information see: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3799532/.

Criticism: If you must criticize your child and you believe that the criticism would help your child, then do it privately and use the sandwich approach. My advice is that you never, ever complain or criticize your child to anyone else, especially someone who can help neither you nor your child.

Be careful not to allow criticism to be a form of a relief valve for your negative emotions. If you criticize your child as a form of punishment, or just hope that criticism or a stinging remark will alter your child’s behavior, then keep in mind that this method is ineffective. More importantly, what you tell your child often is a powerful message that your child will accept subconsciously. For more information about the path into the subconscious mind, see the book: What to Say when You Talk to Yourself, by Shad Helmstetter (https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-to-say-when-you-talk-to-your-self-shad-helmstetter/1102183465?ean=9780722525111).

Sandwich approach: If you must criticize, then sandwich your criticism between two positive thoughts about your child. If you have difficulties coming up with two positive thoughts about your child, then use the Directed Free Association and/or the Master Mind Alliance technique to come up with at least two positive attributes about your child. The last positive comment is more important than the first one, so reserve the big positive comment to the end. In general, I recommend that you find a way to communicate with your child without criticism. This, no criticism communication should be extended to any conversation in which your child is mentioned.

I would like to leave you with the thought that if you have trouble coming up with two positive thoughts about your child, if you cannot establish a trustful relationship with your child then consider the fact that you may be part of the problem. I advise that you analyze your behavior and expectations of your child. Keep in mind that the most influential factors in driving a person toward using drugs are: Isolation, Hopelessness and Trauma.

For more information about the benefits and suggestions of good relationship with your child see the book: The Blessing by Gary Smalley (https://www.amazon.com/Blessing-Gary-Smalley/dp/0671737430/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1500316781&sr=8-2&keywords=The+blessing). The book is written from a very, very Christian religious point of view. If you are not very religious, or you are not a Christian then please ignore the very religious aspects of the book that you disagree with and take only the parts that will benefit you.

Next Anecdote: We will discuss the difference between a heavy user and a casual user of drugs

Previous: Part one Next: Part three

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny

August 2017

Previous: Marijuana Residue in Pipe Part Four Next: Part two

Introduction

We are starting a new series and as usual we take no responsibility for the actions you take to help your children. The information I share here is true as it relates to us, my wife and I, our experience and the knowledge I amassed since our son, Ben, passed on. With that I expect that you apply the information that I share as it best applies to you and your situation. With that let’s get started.

If you suspect that your child is using drugs, chances are that you are correct. The question is what can you do about it, in a way that makes sense, that is effective and most of all does no further harm to your child.

Put first thing first

Most importantly, if you are in a shock or in a panic, work to calm yourself down or reevaluate your approach. The words “shock” and “panic” may not be the exact description of the emotions or the ensuing behavior. The feeling may be that of dread, consternation, dismay, helplessness, anger and even terror. Where panic, as I see it, is a sudden shock, the realization that your child is using drugs, especially Heroin, may not be panic per se, but the behavior involved as result of that knowledge, mimics that of panic. As such, I know that me advising you to calm yourself down or reevaluate your approach, is way easier said than done, but I feel, that this is a crucial first step.

Panic mode is usually identified by either: Fight, Flight or Shut down. These modes of conduct are something to watch out for when they are habitual. If they occur infrequently then work towards curtailing or eliminating them all together. Obviously, these behavior modes are ineffective and do not produce positive results.

Fight mode: You find yourself in frequent fights with your child, with your spouse, a fight with your other children and/or a fight with others. The reason for these fights is the need to control the situation.
Flight mode: You may be so upset with your child, with your other children, upset with your spouse and/or upset with others to the point that you avoid them.
Shut down: You just don’t know what to do and as such do nothing.

Vindictiveness: Each one of the above modes can be accompanied with vindictiveness. Keep in mind that vindictiveness is a short term emotional relief valve that does not produce positive results.

Quick fix: At times, you may wish that someone will tell you what to do so that your child will stop using drugs. Drug use did not develop overnight and there is no quick fix for stopping your child from using drugs. Be vigilant when someone offers you a quick fix. We are drawn to a quick fix solution because we want the problem gone and for a short period of time the quick fix provides a mental relief, but the quick fix solution can do more harm than good.

Complaining and criticizing: You may find yourself complaining and criticizing your child when you interact with your child and/or criticizing and complaining about your child to anyone who would listen. This is very destructive and produces nothing good, in the long run.

One action you may try to take is “Directed Free Association” at times you may hear it called Solitude, or Meditation. It will take 5 – 10 minutes out of your day and it will allow you to laser focus your thoughts on the problem you are interested in solving. As it turns out when you are alone with your own thoughts your ego and emotions are tucked out away with more ease then when you are talking to others. Alone you can allow yourself to be totally honest with yourself. Directed Free Association is a highly effective method.

How to direct free associate: Find 5 – 10 minutes during your day when you can be totally alone with your own thoughts, a time during which you have no distractions. No other human or pet distractions, no radio, no TV, no music, no work-related distractions nor too dark a place that is conducive to sleep, etc. I, personally, found out, that for myself, such a time is first thing when I awake in the morning. I awake about 30 minutes before anyone else and I spend some of these minutes with a cup of tea and my own thoughts. (It turns out that I always sit in the same spot on the sofa.) During that time, write your thoughts down, preferably in a notebook dedicated for your thoughts. Sit up comfortably (not lay down) with or without a drink, like coffee, tea or water. Your brain is a very efficient factory for thoughts, so allow your brain to free-associate and direct those free-association thoughts toward the problem at hand. You may want to make it a daily habit. For more information about this method see the book: The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz (https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/magic-of-thinking-big-david-j-schwartz/1100319349?ean=9780671646783)

In general, we can handle just so many major ongoing stress problems that occur all at once. Usually having a child who is using drugs is not the only major problem that parents are facing. If we can compartmentalize the problems and think of them one at a time we can juggle more than one major issue. Having a confidant can be a great help and if you have one consider yourself blessed. Napoleon Hill, in his book Think and Grow Rich (http://eventualmillionaire.com/Resources/ThinkandGrowRichebook.pdf) talks about a “Master Mind Alliance”. The Master Mind Alliance is a fictional group of characters that you form to counsel with. Say that you feel, for example, that if you could counsel with Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the United States, then you would ask old Abe how not to give up. Napoleon Hill recommends that you do just that, have a conversation with your own mental creation of Abraham Lincoln and discuss with him the issues that you need to discuss. These discussions can take place anytime and anywhere, potentially you need no more than to lean back in your chair close your eyes and ask your counselling buddy a question. Then you assume the role of the counseling buddy and respond back to yourself. This technique is also very effective a technique where you will allow yourself to question yourself with your ego in check. You are not limited to one counselling buddy you may assemble a whole team to be available to you at your beck and call.

Next Anecdote: We will discuss the benefits of a good relationship

Previous: Marijuana Residue in Pipe Part Four Next: Part two

You are not invincible—Stew Birbrower

Together we march towards a destiny

July 2017

Previous: part three Next: What to do if you suspect that your child is using drugs, part one

Anecdote 4: Marijuana Residue in Pipe

Stigma—Drug problem compounded

The problem of drugs is compounded by the stigma that drug use carries. This stigma and survival instincts lead drug users to hide their drug use. This stigma drives parents to shame and hide the fact that their child is a drug user. This very stigma makes schools toughen their stand on the “fight against drug use in school” and hand in hand schools do not advertise the problem that runs rampant within their walls. This stigma is also responsible for our politicians to avoid the talk about sensible solutions to our drug problem, nor do politicians talk about drug related deaths due to overdose in their districts. (I feel, though, that some politicians, as of late will do some—to the best of their ability, in the way of sensible solution. It is a start!)

Worse yet some in the law enforcement workers are frustrated by the failure of the “war against drugs” and double down to increase punishment, despite the fact that increase in punishment does not curtail or stop the drug use and abuse.

Conclusion

The way we can change the system is to either wait for the drug problem to hit enough of our elected officials so that one of them will step out and attempt to “risk it all” and champion sensible solutions, or else we can collectively keep on pounding on our officials and demand, over and over again, that the law will keep in step with the changing currents in society. Even more important to changing the law is the need for education. Many of us live in denial of the drug problem in our homes, neighborhoods, schools and towns.

What you can do

Get involved and help us through donating some efforts, a little bit of your hours and/or a little bit of your money.

Also, write a letter to three of your elected officials and cc us at info@BTFMovement.com. When we reach a significant number of letters sent we have a lot more leverage to find a politician that will champion a change in the law. (Soon coming is a template for a letter to your officials and where to find your official).

Previous: part three Next: What to do if you suspect that your child is using drugs, part one

June 2017

Previous: Part two Next: Part four

System

A system is our human solution to dealing with the masses or with a large volume of people or items. A system allows us to streamline a set of steps that lead to a desired (or not so desired) result.

A well designed system affords us, as a society many advantages. A system allows us to think about a process upfront then take the thinking out of the process so we need not rethink about every decision at every junction. A system allows us to employ less skilled people to perform tasks that was designed by highly skilled individuals that lead to the desired end. This is very efficient, inexpensive and allows a cookie cutter solution to that can be repeated over and over.

A system, by design, lacks emotions, a system, by design, does not deal well with a situation that was not designed for up front and a system, by design, does not change easily.

Our judicial and enforcement of the law, in schools, in corporations and in government are systems, complex systems that are made up of smaller, sub-systems. And here lies the problem, we as a society have changed in the last 30 – 80 years faster than the systems and subsystems of the judicial and enforcement can catch up to that social change. For history of drug laws see http://facultypages.morris.umn.edu/~ratliffj/psy1081/drug_laws.htm: “[In the year] 1935
36 states with laws regulating use, sale, or possession of marijuana. By 1936, all 48 states had laws. Increasingly, violent crimes blamed on marijuana use. By 1937, it was touted as the ‘foremost menace to life, health and morals in America.’”

Next week: my conclusion…

Previous: Part two Next: Part four

May 2017

Previous: Part One Next: Part three

My Opinion

Is this story true and accurate? I did not check the facts because I do not believe that the factual accuracy of the story is of importance. The story is within the bounds of plausibility and it illustrates a few of the points for our movement, BTFMovement. So I will comment on the story as is.

Gut feeling about the treatment of the hapless student: My gut feeling is that something is terribly wrong. At the very least the punishment does not fit the crime. The punishment falls into the “cruel and unusual” category, yet it is acceptable for our authorities to wield such punishment if drugs are involved especially on school grounds.

A second overwhelming feeling is: we have succeeded to legislate logic and mental checks-and-balances out of official reaction to adversity especially when our officials react to drug offense.

In a study published in the NIH: http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/high-school-youth-trends: we learn: “In 2012, 6.5 percent of 8th graders, 17.0 percent of 10th graders, and 22.9 percent of 12th graders used marijuana in the past month”. This means that the student, if in 12^th grade is part of over 20% of high school population that is using marijuana.

The war on drugs that is basically fought in a similar manor since the last forever is: pay enforcement to punish, fine, banish, humiliate and demonize the offender. This approach had proven, over and over again as ineffective.

Having a system and its consequences…

Previous: Part One Next: Part three

April 2017

Marijuana Residue in Pipe

Part One Next: Part two

Introduction

I will use this blog style communication to keep you in the know, share my opinion or discuss some important topics. I hope that you will read it and doubly hope that you will respond. Praise or criticism types of responses are welcomed. Your response will let me know what is on your mind and help me fine tune both the anecdotes and our efforts in the movement.

In general these anecdotes will be short, less than a page long and if need be I will break a long anecdote down to multiple ones.

With this in mind let’s begin.

Story that exemplifies a core problem

I recently heard a story of a young man who was expelled from a regular high school—day school, and put in a category of students that are not allowed to mix with “normal” students but will need to continue his education during evening classes by viewing prerecorded lectures.

This decision came about because an on campus police officer asked the young man where he parked his car. The young man refused to reveal the location of his car to the officer. In turn the officer viewed the secrecy as “suspicious” and placed the student in detention. School law demands that while in detention the student must surrender his phone and car keys. At which point the campus police felt that there is enough reason to search the car, during which they found a pipe with residue of marijuana in it.

Impact on Student

The student feels violated, singled out, carries anger feelings. He has refused to return to his senior year and will not receive a high school diploma, at the end of this year. As adults we know that one should not make important decision when we are angry, depressed or are down. Yet our hapless friend is making life impacting decisions while extremely angry. These decisions includes a goal in life: not to attend school again and to seek non skilled work for which high school diploma is not needed.

School authorities, do a lot to pour more fuel into this out of control fire. School treats him like a trouble maker and will allow him to keep this course of action…

My opinion next week…

Next: Part two